"You must trust and believe in people or life becomes impossible."Here's the thing...I think that lately, I've been making life more and more impossible. It's not necessarily that I don't trust anyone, it's just that sometimes I am so completely cynical. I try to rationalize any trust issues away under the guise of independence - after all, I am at my core a staunchly independent person. Although I do pride myself sometimes on my ability to take on whatever I need to do and generally succeed, I often wonder if I really have to do so much on my own. At school, I know that half of the time I take things on myself just so that I know it will be done how I want it - but in all actually, there are generally other people I could share that process with, I just don't take advantage of it. Of course, as always, talking about school is kind of my superficial cover-up for the real issue - school is really never a problem. The problem is that I'm so afraid of depending on someone and then being let down that I'd rather just not depend on anyone for anything. And I know that that's not completely healthy. I know we're supposed to want to put it all out there and take those risks, but I've just had my expectations shattered at so many points that honestly, other than Andrew, I can't think of one soul who I could really say I could truly count on. I want to believe that people are trustworthy and reliable, but it just hasn't been my experience.
Sometimes I wish I could be "teacher" me all the time. The side of me that is a teacher is seriously so hopeful and so willing to believe the best of everybody, and generally all around positive. But at the same time, that's the same side of me that some no longer trust because it comes with that representation of the dreaded "authority figure." I just know that I'm generally happier working...and while I am lucky to be in a career I love, it saddens me that it's sometimes so hard to take that home with me. Because I do have a life and a personality outside of teaching, even when I'd rather forget about it. I just wish everything in life was that simple - when things are going great, you get great meaningful discussion and everybody gets an A because life is awesome - when they're disappointing, just enter that F in the gradebook and be done with it.
I've been doing some fairly serious musing for Valentine's Day. I love this holiday and always have, but for some reason tonight I just haven't been able to get into that loving spirit, despite the pretty flowers my wonderful husband sent me or his sweet understanding. I'm honestly just ready to leave everything here behind and start over. I know that's probably not the best way to deal, but that's where I'm at right now.
The stupid thing? This isn't really even about anything. There wasn't some trigger that set me off or anything like that. It's just been this whole year or so. Despite how much I love my job, I'm pretty sure I'd be ok with fastforwarding to the end of this era.
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